I seriously don’t know how to let go of the past. It seems like it’s impossible for me. I give so many second chances.. scratch that, I give second, third, fourth and millionth chances, and every single time, you come back and make me look stupid. I can’t blame anyone but myself for putting up with the bullshit for all of this time and believing you every time you say you’re sorry. I should know better by now, but I don’t. I don’t know how to be alone, I don’t know what it’s like to be without someone. You don’t understand what it’s like to need someone so much, or how to feel totally complete with having just one person in your life. That’s all it should take- just that one person in the world who is so completely and totally consumed in you and everything you aspire to be. That one person who doesn’t feel the need to look any longer, because you’ve already found everything you’ll ever want or need in one girl. I’ve known the same cycle for so long now, I’ve forgotten how real love is supposed to feel, and how someone is supposed to treat you when they love you that much. I feel like I don’t need anyone else when I’m with you, so why do you still feel the need to search? That’s not how it’s supposed to be. Young love changes so much. Between the ages of 18-23, two people can become so different, yet you should be able to grow together. You blame your mistakes on your young age and your insignificant level of maturity all those years back, but it doesn’t change everything that has happened. It doesn’t change everything you’ve put me through. I forgive, but I’ll never forget. I can’t forget the nights that I was home calling you and wondering why you weren’t here, only to find out you were with another girl instead. I can’t forget the pictures I’ve come across of the two of you at a party together, taken the exact same weekend you told me you were going out of town to visit your best friend. Those pictures of you together, the picture of you hugging her and holding her with a smile on your face… it’s a smile that I’ve never seen when you spend time with me. Even though it was so long ago, years ago, I cannot forget it, and I don’t know how to move on from that. At the lowest point of my life so far when I needed you the most, you were no where to be found. When I lost one of my closest friends to a fatal car crash, where were you? You were with another girl celebrating her 17th birthday while I went to my friend’s funeral by myself, needing someone to hold onto because I couldn’t go more than five minutes without crying my eyes out. & less than two weeks later on my 18th birthday, a day I had looked forward to for so long, I spent it alone while you went to the beach with your boys to party and have the best time ever. You blame it on being 19 years old at the time, and tell me that you’ve grown up so much since them. But, have you? Things have been amazing over the past two years, and I’m so thankful for all of the good times we’ve had. The good weigh out the bad times now.. but I still think of the fact that I’ve loved you since I was only 17. By the time I turned 19, I was so dedicated to you, and could never imagine myself with anyone but you. It hurts to know that hasn’t always been the case for you. I don’t trust you. How can you love someone you don’t trust? I’m still trying to figure that out, and I don’t know if I will. I’m not able to trust you or the things you say now because of all of these memories I have from the past. In my mind, those memories from the past completely cancel out everything good that we have going for us now. Even though you’re a great boyfriend now, you haven’t always been… not even close. That’s what hurts the most. You aren’t perfect, I’m not either. When I say that you’re the only one for me, you have no reason to think any different. Every time I hear you say it to me though, I automatically think you’re just feeding me lies and telling me what you think I want to hear because you know I haven’t forgotten or forgiven all of the mistakes you’ve made. It’s a mental thing.. I know that I can’t trust you again until I can get rid of all of these memories I have, but what do you do when you can’t get rid of them? They just keep coming back endlessly. Without trust, this will never work. So how am I supposed to get out of this non-stop cycle of emotions and reminders of everything that you’ve done. It’s the worst thing you could experience.
What ever happened to just finding that one person in life that completes you? They complete you enough to realize you don’t need anyone or anything else in life except them. Does that even exist? Because that’s not what this is, but it’s what I need. That’s all I know.